Things My Boss Says

Me: Are you okay?

2010-03-29T12:48:00.002-04:00

Boss: I'm fine...I writhed in agony for a while on the beach and then went back into the water with my board. The locals seemed impressed although I think mainly because of my remarkably bad luck to get stung by a sting ray in the first place. Its starting to hurt less now. Its supposed to after about 2 hours unless you are allergic to the venom, and then you die after two hours... which also stops the pain, I guess.

Down came the good fairy, and she said...

2009-07-16T09:29:00.002-04:00

Me: What's the password, again?

Boss: FooFoo5

Me: No it's not. You know about Little Bunny Foo Foo, right?

Boss: Fine. It's "123456".

Me: She went hopping through the forest, scooping up the field mice and bopping them on the head.

Boss: I did that in Iceland once...but with seal pups....we used little bats (not the animals) for the head bopping (it was more like skull crushing actually)...it was fun, although expensive (everything is in Iceland, a beer cost like 10 bucks). I met Bjork too.

Boss Make Party Every Year

2009-06-03T15:00:00.002-04:00

No time for the old in-out, love, I've just come to read the meter.

2009-05-08T16:20:00.002-04:00

Me: Can you recommend some good inspirational books for web design?

Boss: I've always felt that Animal Farm was inspiring. Clockwork Orange is probably better for web design though.

Me: Um, this is really ignorant but I didn't know Clockwork Orange was a book.

Boss: Anthony Burghess, 1956. Can I call you ignoranus for the rest of the day because you didn't know that? I just coined that expression, by the way. "Ignoranus." It's quite clever.

So he sent me a picture of his Q-Tips.

2009-04-28T17:26:00.003-04:00

Boss: We're still within budget though and they seem happy with us.

Me: You're amazing!

Boss: I'm blushing bright red and my finger is turning black.

Me: Imagine if instead of just your fingernail fell off, the whole thing did? Which finger is it?

Boss: Right index

Me: That would not be good

Boss: It would certainly make it harder to keep my ears clean.

I think I'll start a business out of my house and become a surreallist.

2009-03-12T18:25:00.002-04:00

Boss's Email Subject: Zoo Child
Boss's Email Contents:

Strawberry Girl

I've always like the taste of blood.

2008-12-11T15:24:00.001-05:00

"This ship is going down. I'd rather be a shark than a body."

Freudian Slip?

2008-12-01T16:13:00.003-05:00

Me: [looking at website on boss' computer] What's a RamJet? Is it like a fighter jet made of biceps? Or perhaps some sort of powerful printer?

Boss: It's my nickname. Actually, my nickname is Blow Jet. Oops. I meant to say Blowfish.

While twirling around holding his petticoats.

2008-12-01T15:43:00.001-05:00

[Singing Merrily]

"Alouette, gentille Alouette. Alouette, je te plumerai..."

And we're back on the Holocaust.

2008-12-01T12:28:00.003-05:00

Me: I'm concerned about the economy.

Boss: I don't think about it. I think about happy things. Like bunnies and dolphins and unicorns and Santa. And Mexico. And Berlin.

Me: Did you know there is a shortage of Santas this year in Germany? They are having trouble finding them because of criminal records and such.

Boss: Aren't most Germans war criminals?

Me: [Groan] I see where this is going.

Boss: [Grinning] I was watching this WWII documentary with my daughter the other day...

It would also be easier to carry around on my long neck.

2008-12-01T12:09:00.004-05:00

Boss: I wish my head was smaller.

Me: Why's that?

Boss: So I could where this as a hat. [With long bowl made of lug nuts on his head]. There are so many uses for having a smaller head.

Co-worker: Like burrowing. It's easier to burrow with a smaller head.

Boss: I love that idea!

While discussing brand standards.

2008-12-01T12:08:00.002-05:00

"I'm pretending to be a blowfish."

And he looked so proud of himself for coming up with this.

2008-12-01T10:53:00.002-05:00

Me: You've been fixated on rubix cubes for awhile.

Boss: That's true. But I am fixated on many things. Such as Cambodian boys.

Me: Oh Lord. Dare I ask why?

Boss: Because they are so masculine and feminine at the same time. Don't you think?

Me: You are sick.

Next we're going to smash beer cans on our foreheads.

2008-11-26T20:12:00.002-05:00

Boss: Are you bored?
Me: No, I just missed you guys.
Boss: We miss you too. Although, with you gone, we've had the opportunity to do some real man things. Look at porn, admire our tattoos, give each other haircuts...
Me: That's not very manly.
Boss: We realized that but had to follow through. We also have enjoyed topics that are generally off limits when you are here. We talked about the holocaust, pedophilia and speculated about your health for about 30 minutes. But we do miss you. Right boys? There's lots of nodding going on over here.

Does it precede Wondersauce?

2008-11-19T12:07:00.006-05:00

Me: I made up a new word. It's an exclamation.

Boss: What is it?

Me: Wondersauce!

Boss: I made up a word on the way here too. Escellatio.

Me: What does it mean?

Boss: It's like fellatio but with an "esc" in front of it. It's something you practice on someone.

Next to the felt gingerbread men.

2008-11-19T11:27:00.004-05:00

Me: Where are you emailing from?

Boss: Your cousin's house. In the basement. Under the boxes with the Christmas decorations. The blue boxes.

I admire your modesty.

2008-11-14T11:12:00.002-05:00

Boss: You’re awesome.
Me: Really? I think I’m having a low self-esteem week.
Boss: I don’t think I’ve ever had one of those.
Me: That can’t be true.
Boss: It is one of the foundational elements of my personality. I truly think that I’m better than everyone else.

Good thing we don't have HR representation in this office.

2008-11-13T10:44:00.004-05:00

Me: Dude, I don't know what's wrong with them. I'm their client and they treat me like a little bitch.

Boss: That's fucked up. I'm the only one that's allowed to treat you like a little bitch.

Relative to my torso.

2008-11-13T10:02:00.005-05:00

Me: I tried to speak on that call yesterday.

Boss: I know. I am just such a call hog.

Me: Well, that's because you are so much more evolved than I am so really you should be the one talking.

Boss: You know how you can tell that I am more evolved?

Me: How?

Boss: Because my neck is much longer than yours.

I'm an Armadillo trapped in your parked car.

2008-11-11T11:13:00.003-05:00

Me: How do you feel about Armadillos?
Boss: They are a parasite.
Me: They are a mammal actually.
Boss: They are a cultural parasite. Because they are taking over the lower half of the North American continent. Much like the kydos. It is one of the only species that have spread northward whereas many species have spread from North America to South America.
Me: Do you know what an Armadillo sounds like?
Boss: Wheet wheet and then WACK when my car hits them.
Me: That definitely sounds like Radiohead.

Clearly, I should just hang out with you more.

2008-11-11T11:12:00.002-05:00

Me: Wow. That was probably the funniest conversation I’ll have all week.
Boss: Well, I think that’s more a reflection on the caliber of the company you keep than on what I just said.

That, and a cape.

2008-11-11T10:05:00.001-05:00

"I wonder where my beret is. It is an integral part of my winter biking gear."

At least they don't have pleats.

2008-11-11T10:03:00.002-05:00

(Boss looking at me strangely as I mess with my boots)

Me: I'm having issues with my pants.

Boss: I too, have issues with your pants.

Right after I process these invoices.

2008-11-10T13:42:00.004-05:00

Me: What are you doing? (as Boss is bouncing around in his chair)

Boss: I'm just really excited. Things are going really well. You want to fight?

Me: No, why would I want to...

Boss: I just thought I could burn off some of this energy with a little boxing.

Navigating the wilderness of brand marketing.

2008-11-10T13:34:00.008-05:00

Me: I got you the numbers on that.

Boss: I know, thanks. I used them to pitch the transformation of this project.

Me: Oh, great. How did that go.

Boss: She went for it like a trout to a grasshopper. I cast the grasshopper in front of Susan where it wallowed in fear for a few minutes. She second guessed me a bit, made some horrible accusations about my inability to get anything done but then like the hungry trout that she is, gobbled up the grasshopper. It was exhilarating.

Is hunting with the Holy Hand Grenade allowed?

2008-11-10T11:27:00.005-05:00

Boss: I have decided to take up bow-hunting. Apparently, they are encouraging bow hunting for deer in Westchester and Fairfield Counties to cull the massive populations of deer.

Me: Do you know how to hunt with a bow?

Boss: Only the explosive tipped ones. You don't have to be very precise.

You have cooties.

2008-11-09T17:36:00.001-05:00

Me: What's wrong?
Boss: Well, I was in a meeting and in typical fashion I jumped up in exclamation and banged my head on the cupboards above the desk. I hit it so bad I swore and the people on the phone heard me. I even have a bump. You wanna touch it?
Me: Okay.
Boss: No. I don't want you touching my head.

And nobody likes a tired little pig.

2008-11-06T17:30:00.002-05:00

"Maybe we can reschedule for later in the day. 10:30 is too early. It's like a pig's tail. Twirly."

Where exactly do you apply that?

2008-11-06T11:59:00.003-05:00

Boss: You are eating already?

Me: I'm feeding my hangover.

Boss: Karen has a cream for that.

Can we just turn up the heat instead?

2008-11-06T10:12:00.003-05:00

Me: It's cold in here.

Boss: Well, now that I'm here maybe I can warm it up with my cheery attitude and bubbling optimism. Mindless bubbling optimism. Mindless bubbling moronic optimism.

Wet Dreams

2008-11-05T15:04:00.003-05:00

Copy-writer: I think we should have nap time. We could get a Sleeping Pod and put it right there. I could even write some copy for the inside.

Boss: Dream Writing? I love that!

Copy-writer: Maybe we could even get a dog to snuggle with.

Boss: Well, it couldn't be my dog. It would probably pee on you.

Or Drop Kicking a Chihuahua in the Middle of Times Square

2008-11-05T10:07:00.008-05:00

Boss: Did you really vote for Nader?

Me: I think I was just trying to be subversive. My vote didn't count in Connecticut anyway.

Boss: What could Corti have done to really be subversive? Hmmmm. Kill a cop. Or you know what really confuses society? Gratuitous acts of large scale vandalism with seemingly no reasoning behind them.

Co-Worker: Or scaling the Empire State Building while screaming "Pig! Pig! Pig! Pig!"

Picking on the Pregnant Lady

2008-11-03T16:17:00.005-05:00

Co-worker (on conference call): *Karen*! How are you?

Pregnant Karen: I'm fat!

Manager: No you aren't!

My Boss: She's just swollen.

Later...

Co-worker (on conference call): I can't hear that well, you are so soft-spoken.

My Boss: Actually, Karen is standing between me and the microphone and in her current state...

A Brazilian Rodent Salad

2008-11-03T12:30:00.006-05:00

Boss: How is Capoeira?

New Freelancer: You are doing that Brazilian Martial Art?

Boss to Freelancer: Wow. That's amazing. It took me months to figure it out. I thought it was a giant rodent.

Me: Capabari also known as Carpincho.

Boss: Carpincho. Isn't that air dried beef?

Me: Carpaccio.

Boss: High five.

(I comply)

Boss: I love hitting you.

Delivery

2008-11-03T10:30:00.000-05:00

"You are going to be the midwife of a fiendish child I want to give birth to this week."

Just like in Blue Velvet.

2008-10-31T13:34:00.003-04:00

Me: "What was that?"
Boss: "That was a hop. I'm into hopping today. I'm a hopper. Dennis Hopper."

Engaging the Senses

2008-10-30T12:32:00.002-04:00

"I think we should do a Scratch & Sniff Rubix Cube. It'll all be one color."