Next we're going to smash beer cans on our foreheads.

Boss: Are you bored?
Me: No, I just missed you guys.
Boss: We miss you too. Although, with you gone, we've had the opportunity to do some real man things. Look at porn, admire our tattoos, give each other haircuts...
Me: That's not very manly.
Boss: We realized that but had to follow through. We also have enjoyed topics that are generally off limits when you are here. We talked about the holocaust, pedophilia and speculated about your health for about 30 minutes. But we do miss you. Right boys? There's lots of nodding going on over here.

Does it precede Wondersauce?

Me: I made up a new word. It's an exclamation.

Boss: What is it?

Me: Wondersauce!

Boss: I made up a word on the way here too. Escellatio.

Me: What does it mean?

Boss: It's like fellatio but with an "esc" in front of it. It's something you practice on someone.

Next to the felt gingerbread men.

Me: Where are you emailing from?

Boss: Your cousin's house. In the basement. Under the boxes with the Christmas decorations. The blue boxes.

I admire your modesty.

Boss: You’re awesome.
Me: Really? I think I’m having a low self-esteem week.
Boss: I don’t think I’ve ever had one of those.
Me: That can’t be true.
Boss: It is one of the foundational elements of my personality. I truly think that I’m better than everyone else.

Good thing we don't have HR representation in this office.

Me: Dude, I don't know what's wrong with them. I'm their client and they treat me like a little bitch.

Boss: That's fucked up. I'm the only one that's allowed to treat you like a little bitch.

Relative to my torso.

Me: I tried to speak on that call yesterday.

Boss: I know. I am just such a call hog.

Me: Well, that's because you are so much more evolved than I am so really you should be the one talking.

Boss: You know how you can tell that I am more evolved?

Me: How?

Boss: Because my neck is much longer than yours.

I'm an Armadillo trapped in your parked car.

Me: How do you feel about Armadillos?
Boss: They are a parasite.
Me: They are a mammal actually.
Boss: They are a cultural parasite. Because they are taking over the lower half of the North American continent. Much like the kydos. It is one of the only species that have spread northward whereas many species have spread from North America to South America.
Me: Do you know what an Armadillo sounds like?
Boss: Wheet wheet and then WACK when my car hits them.
Me: That definitely sounds like Radiohead.

Clearly, I should just hang out with you more.

Me: Wow. That was probably the funniest conversation I’ll have all week.
Boss: Well, I think that’s more a reflection on the caliber of the company you keep than on what I just said.

That, and a cape.

"I wonder where my beret is. It is an integral part of my winter biking gear."

At least they don't have pleats.

(Boss looking at me strangely as I mess with my boots)

Me: I'm having issues with my pants.

Boss: I too, have issues with your pants.

Right after I process these invoices.

Me: What are you doing? (as Boss is bouncing around in his chair)

Boss: I'm just really excited. Things are going really well. You want to fight?

Me: No, why would I want to...

Boss: I just thought I could burn off some of this energy with a little boxing.

Navigating the wilderness of brand marketing.

Me: I got you the numbers on that.

Boss: I know, thanks. I used them to pitch the transformation of this project.

Me: Oh, great. How did that go.

Boss: She went for it like a trout to a grasshopper. I cast the grasshopper in front of Susan where it wallowed in fear for a few minutes. She second guessed me a bit, made some horrible accusations about my inability to get anything done but then like the hungry trout that she is, gobbled up the grasshopper. It was exhilarating.

Is hunting with the Holy Hand Grenade allowed?

Boss: I have decided to take up bow-hunting. Apparently, they are encouraging bow hunting for deer in Westchester and Fairfield Counties to cull the massive populations of deer.

Me: Do you know how to hunt with a bow?

Boss: Only the explosive tipped ones. You don't have to be very precise.

You have cooties.

Me: What's wrong?
Boss: Well, I was in a meeting and in typical fashion I jumped up in exclamation and banged my head on the cupboards above the desk. I hit it so bad I swore and the people on the phone heard me. I even have a bump. You wanna touch it?
Me: Okay.
Boss: No. I don't want you touching my head.

And nobody likes a tired little pig.

"Maybe we can reschedule for later in the day. 10:30 is too early. It's like a pig's tail. Twirly."

Where exactly do you apply that?

Boss: You are eating already?

Me: I'm feeding my hangover.

Boss: Karen has a cream for that.

Can we just turn up the heat instead?

Me: It's cold in here.

Boss: Well, now that I'm here maybe I can warm it up with my cheery attitude and bubbling optimism. Mindless bubbling optimism. Mindless bubbling moronic optimism.

Wet Dreams

Copy-writer: I think we should have nap time. We could get a Sleeping Pod and put it right there. I could even write some copy for the inside.

Boss: Dream Writing? I love that!

Copy-writer: Maybe we could even get a dog to snuggle with.

Boss: Well, it couldn't be my dog. It would probably pee on you.

Or Drop Kicking a Chihuahua in the Middle of Times Square

Boss: Did you really vote for Nader?

Me: I think I was just trying to be subversive. My vote didn't count in Connecticut anyway.

Boss: What could Corti have done to really be subversive? Hmmmm. Kill a cop. Or you know what really confuses society? Gratuitous acts of large scale vandalism with seemingly no reasoning behind them.

Co-Worker: Or scaling the Empire State Building while screaming "Pig! Pig! Pig! Pig!"

Picking on the Pregnant Lady

Co-worker (on conference call): *Karen*! How are you?

Pregnant Karen: I'm fat!

Manager: No you aren't!

My Boss: She's just swollen.

Later...

Co-worker (on conference call): I can't hear that well, you are so soft-spoken.

My Boss: Actually, Karen is standing between me and the microphone and in her current state...

A Brazilian Rodent Salad

Boss: How is Capoeira?

New Freelancer: You are doing that Brazilian Martial Art?

Boss to Freelancer: Wow. That's amazing. It took me months to figure it out. I thought it was a giant rodent.

Me: Capabari also known as Carpincho.

Boss: Carpincho. Isn't that air dried beef?

Me: Carpaccio.

Boss: High five.

(I comply)

Boss: I love hitting you.

Delivery

"You are going to be the midwife of a fiendish child I want to give birth to this week."